- Arnold Albertson: Nobody can tell you where your place is, where is my place? Where is anybody's place? You wanna know where it is? Wherever you're happy, that's where your place is. And you're the best judge of that. In central park for instance some people like to feed the nuts to the squirrels but if it makes someone happy to feed squirrels to the nuts, who am I to say nuts to the squirrels?
- [first lines]
- Isabella Patterson: [giving interview] I believe in happy endings. And it's the only thing that's ever made sense to me. You know, I used to lock myself in my room and watch all the oldies on PBS. We couldn't afford cable, which was fine. You know, who needs to watch shows on teenage pregnancy and kids living in the same house screaming at each other? In my neighborhood, that was called Wednesday.
- Isabella Patterson: A bullet can kill, but a punch can change things for the living. Like in "The Spoilers". John Wayne and Randolph Scott tore apart a bar fighting for Marlene Dietrich. John Wayne won, of course, and they lived happily ever after.
- Isabella Patterson: I hate being alone. But when I am, I look into the mirror and I tell myself something that Audrey Hepburn once said, "I believe in pink. I believe that laughter is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing. Kissing a lot. I believe in being strong even when everything around you seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. And I believe that tomorrow is another day. And I believe in miracles!" I believe in miracles. You know, that - that works every single time.
- Margie: Squirrels to the nuts! Oh, are you okay? I cannot believe I'm running into you Derek!
- Arnold Albertson: Shhh!
- Margie: No, I'm not going to be quiet! It's Margie, remember? From Chicago? I've looked everywhere for you! You don't understand, you've changed my life! I went to fashion school, and I'm the executive buyer here.
- Arnold Albertson: Shut up!
- Margie: Besides that, you gave me the single best night I ever had in bed and out. And it's all because of you and the squirrels and the nuts!
- Jane Claremont: [reading Isabella's file] A.K.A. Glo-stick. Why Glo-stick? Oh! Call girl? Well that's disgusting. I mean, how do you feel when you're even doing that? Honestly? Are there any up sides to this job?
- Isabella Patterson: Well, there are plenty of *ups*, you know? I mean, that was really a problem!
- Jane Claremont: You don't joke in therapy.
- Isabella Patterson: I always thought the guy who would change my life would be powerful like Marlon Brando or sparkle like Cary Grant or smell like worn leather like James Dean must've.
- Isabella Patterson: Well, you know, you date guys - what do they want? They want you in the sack. So this way, guys I meet, that's all they want, too, but at least they're gonna pay for it. You know, you meet a guy and they expect it for nothing. So this way I figure I'm ahead of the game.
- Hotel Bellboy: Where'd you fly in from?
- Arnold Albertson: Los Angeles.
- Hotel Bellboy: L.A. I always wanted to go there.
- Arnold Albertson: A lot of pretty girls. Of course, there are a lot of pretty girls everywhere. That's one of the nice things about the world.
- Isabella Patterson: I used to escape with Spencer Tracy and Kate Hepburn and Fred Astaire spinning Ginger Rogers on the dance floor and Bogie finally plant one on Lauren Bacall. All in glorious black and white.
- Judy: You like fairy tales?
- Isabella Patterson: I think we all need a little magic from time to time, don't you think? I mean, what would Lana Turner have done if Mervyn Leroy had never gone into Schwab's on Hollywood and Vine and he saw her there, drinking that coke. She was discovered right there, and that coke changed her life.
- Judy: Well, so they tell the tourists, because it wasn't Schwab's It was actually a place called Top Hat on Sunset and McCadden. And it wasn't Mervyn Leroy, it was actually a guy from the Hollywood Reporter. And her name wasn't even Lana Turner then. It was Judy. Actually her real name was Julia. But you knew all that, right?
- Isabella Patterson: You know, it doesn't really have the same magic, though.
- Isabella Patterson: Whoa! You know, you are the most detailed kind of lover!
- Arnold Albertson: Detailed?
- Isabella Patterson: Yeah. Like - that was amazing!
- Arnold Albertson: I really like you.
- Isabella Patterson: The problem is that when you inspire people they want to keep getting inspired, over and over again. Sometimes for hours. It's like a drug. Highly addictive. If you don't get it, you start to go batty.
- Jane Claremont: An obsession? All right, can I just tell you something from experience, obsessions are not emergencies. They stick with you your entire life so you better just face it, that this thing is going to be with you for a really long time. Either you just have to get over it, or deal with it, all right?
- Isabella Patterson: Do you know the movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's"?
- Judy: Yes.
- Isabella Patterson: Well, they were playing it somewhere downtown and I see this poster of Audrey looking so gorgeous. So I bought a ticket and I went in. And, for weeks I couldn't get this movie out of my head, you know? She had everything under control. Everything figured out, she didn't need anything.
- Judy: She's a call girl.
- Isabella Patterson: Well, maybe she was just somebody who liked to have a drink and a dance and spread happiness, and if a guy was going to give her 50 on the way to the powder room then she deserved it because she touched their lives.
- Elizabeth: How do I find you?
- Arnold Albertson: I feel like I've been asking myself the same question the last 40 years. And I still don't know.
- Isabella Patterson: She'd been through a rough break up the year before with a hot yoga teacher. Well, I mean, the yoga was hot, not the teacher. Actually, well, it probably was, yeah, the teacher was, too, but I mean that's not the point. They meet in class, and he starts to give her these *private* lessons. And then they move in together. It turns out he had been giving every other woman in the class private lessons, too. Can you imagine? I mean, no wonder her latest book is called, "Bitchy Is Beautiful".
- Judy: That one I read.
- Jane Claremont: That guy is a total loon! But I cannot talk about my clients. I cannot talk about my clients.
- Jane Claremont: What is it about this woman that makes her so goddamn obsessionable?
- Vickie: She doesn't sound like my grandmother.
- Jane Claremont: By the way, I don't think that this girl, however attractive, is worth being obsessed about. Especially for a married judge of other humans. Now, I'm not judgmental, but that's just stupid!
- Vickie: Would you care to have dinner with me tonight?
- Jane Claremont: What kind of food do you eat?
- Vickie: Do you like Italian?
- Jane Claremont: It's all right.
- Vickie: So?
- Jane Claremont: All right. I'm going to change my tampon.
- Miriam Pendergast: I agree with Delta and Seth. I mean, she had something really, really special. She reminds me of the girl that I fell in love with in kindergarten.
- Arnold Albertson: Was she a hooker?
- Miriam Pendergast: Yeah, she was a kindergarten hooker.
- Arnold Albertson: That sounds like a progressive school.
- Isabella Patterson: He was the first playwright that I ever met. And he was a true gentleman, you know? He didn't even try to kiss me, even when I knew he wanted to. And, he asked to meet my father. And no one had ever done that before. I never even had a boy in the house before. But, yeah, he was exactly what I imagined a playwright to be. Very sensitive an, he was like the Arthur Miller to my Marilyn.
- Delta Simmons: Everybody seems to be confused tonight! Must be the weather.
- Frankie: Yeah.
- Seth Gilbert: Confusion reigns.
- Delta Simmons: So what is that girl, a hooker? Like the one you came to Nick's with?
- Seth Gilbert: Could be. Call girl. Escort.
- Delta Simmons: What's the difference? They all escort you in and out of their pants. Men!
- Seth Gilbert: Yeah, you're right. We're only good for one thing. So how about some?
- Delta Simmons: I'm considering it!
- Harold Fleet: He's an old man.
- Joshua Fleet: Yeah, a dirty old man!
- Harold Fleet: That is irrelevant.
- Judge Pendergast: Okay, okay. Dirty sometimes, but not old!
- Delta Simmons: [on the phone] Seth? How about now?
- Seth Gilbert: Delta?
- Delta Simmons: No, the Queen of Sheba.
- Joshua Fleet: The unicorn, you see, was a kind of symbol of women. And this comes from a period when women were treated like chattel.
- Isabella Patterson: Like cattle?
- Joshua Fleet: No, chattel. It basically means they were whatever men wanted them to be.
- Isabella Patterson: You mean, like now a lot?
- Arnold Albertson: Just stay out of it!
- Seth Gilbert: You're the lunatic, chasing dames with a wife like this.
- Delta Simmons: It seems all men like chasing dames, Seth.
- Delta Simmons: How many women do you think he's done this with? Why does he do this? What is it all about? Do you have any idea what's going on? What is this whole "changed my life" business?
- Delta Simmons: Darling, let me use your bathroom.
- Seth Gilbert: My what?
- Delta Simmons: Your bathroom.
- Seth Gilbert: My bathroom! Well, the, the, the toilet's broken. I need to call them again.
- Delta Simmons: I don't need to use your toilet.
- Seth Gilbert: You don't need to use my toilet.
- Delta Simmons: No, I don't need to use your toilet.
- Seth Gilbert: Well, then I guess if you don't need to use the toilet.
- Delta Simmons: Please, stop saying toilet!
- Seth Gilbert: No, Kandi, you have to go back down to the lobby now and make your call there, okay?
- Delta's Mother: No, Vickie, she tell me, "hang on". I hang.
- Joshua Fleet: Jane, this is very inappropriate and unprofessional!
- Jane Claremont: I don't give a shit what you think! Who do you think you are, Hemingway?
- Quentin Tarantino: You're quoting Cluny Brown now?
- Judy: What?
- Quentin Tarantino: That "squirrels to nuts" line, it's from Lubitsch's "Cluny Brown".
- Arnold Albertson: What the hell is going on here?
- Jane Claremont: I'll tell you what's going on here. You hired that hooker because she turns good tricks. Well, would you like some good tricks? 'Cause I got a bag full of them. Who wants to go first? I've got tricks on all of you!